Most Extraordinary Ordinary Thing in the World

Baking soda is so much more than a digestive that the mind boggles. Your roll of pills will do one thing and one only; your box of sodium bicarbonate will do a hundred and still have talents left to spare. Since this book is above all a celebration of the ma­terial and the common, I would like at this point to enter baking soda as a candidate for the title of Most Extraordinary Ordinary Thing in the World. Firmly convinced that it will win hands down over all comers, I take the liberty of com­posing the citation to be read in the ceremony at which the title is bestowed.

SODIUM BICARBONATE, NAHCO₃, BAKING SODA, BICARBONATE OF SODA:

Longtime and steadfast retainer of the human race, your many names betokening not only varied talents, but also in­numerable kindnesses for which men hold you dear: Friend of the flatulent, Soother of the savage, scotch-soaked breast, and blessed Bestower of peaceful sleep after four beers, two heroes, and a sausage pizza;

Sweetener of life in general and of organic disagreeabilities in particular: Cleanser of vile coffeepots and putrid refrigera­tors, Tamer of gamy bones, Purifier of school lunch vacuum bottles whose milk has turned to cheese, Polisher of teeth, Gracer of breath, Remover of smells from diapers, nursing bottles, smoking pipes and old hair brushes, Deodorizer of floors made foul by messing cats, Sweetener of urine-soaked mattresses, and Restorer of freshness to automotive interiors rendered uninhabitable by retching children;

Leavener, and nearly omnicompetent Lifter of the otherwise forlorn flatness of our lives: Raiser of biscuits, muffins, cookies, cake, and bread, and faithful member, in this capacity, of many committees—notably of Baking Powder- and Self-Rising Cake Flour;

Last, but far from least, sovereign Extinguisher of conflagra­tions of all sorts, from the metaphorical burning in the stomach to the literal flaming of the fat that falls in the fire: Soother of sore throats and bee stings, Cooler of prickly heat and sun­burn, Smotherer of grease fires, Protector of the home and Very Present Help in all our troubles;

We who stand so deep in your debt praise your generosity; we who play not more than two instruments, who understand only four languages and can hardly express ourselves in any of them, salute the range of your abilities; we who require praise and publicity for what little we do stand in awe of your humility;

ACCEPT, THEREFORE, at our hands, this ORDER OF MERIT which we, though unworthy, bestow: If we were half as faithful as you have been, we would be twice as good as we are. May God hasten the day.

―Robert Capon, The Supper of the Lamb